I Seek.......?

This opens up a whole new chapter~ One, which by my reckoning, would have an ending not too different from a lot of other stories in my life~ Then again, it's still is a new chapter nonetheless~ So what do i actually seek out from all of this? I can't really tell that for sure. All i know is that this is where i wanna go for now and this is what i wanna do. As for the ending? we'll just worry about that later. For now, let's just enjoy the ride and make the most out of it~ Who knows? maybe it'll be different this time around. I guess i won't be complaining anyway. I'm just glad for a fact that she's here, though by 'here' i would meant it as very differently from the literal meaning of the word. At least, it can make things manageable for me, and helps me to cope with things. At the very least, I can have something to look forward to everytime i opened my eyes. Let's just say i'm able to wear back the 'smile' on this face because of her. This is how i feel right now~ This is me~ Though I fear that this will not lasts, i will take my chance. For I know, even through my worst ordeal, I can still manage to get through and meet up with a whole new world~ A whole new world~ Maybe this time around, this world can perhaps, stay~

Teaching Practice Report...Day 1...

so. today's my first official start of my Teaching Practice~ basically, today we were briefed by the senior academic and admin teachers of what we should and should NOT do~ it's easy once you conform to the rules~ this is my second time coming back to SM Masin~ i've already been there during my TA last year, from 18th May to 14th June~ which is suprisingly not really that hard to cope with~ now that it's my second time, it makes things a whole lot easier~ almost all of the science department teachers know me, and that includes both the deputy principals (admin & academic)~ what can i say? i left a good impression on people~ hahaha~ so there's 13 TP teachers stationed in SM Masin, and of course i'm the only one here from BEGS~ most of them are B.Science students, some of which i already know~ so it's not really that hard to mingle around and get to know each other~

As usual, for the first day, basically, i got nothing to do~ from 9am to 12.30pm, officially i got nothing to do~ so i end up going around the school, looking for my Cooperating Teacher (CT), asked her what sort of stuff that i need to prepare, etc and just walk around the school with the other TP teachers, help them with their way around~ So what else is there to report?? None i guess~ So this is where i sign off then~

The Story So Far...

somehow this is not as bad as i thought it would be~ i mean this could go on a lot worse than they are now but i'm glad it doesn't~ i guess i'll be able to live my life this way~ just trying to keep myself busy and keep my attention and focus away~ and that would not be such a hard thing to do, considering i'll start my Teaching Practice this coming Monday~ So far, i'm pretty much satisfied with my weekly schedule~ all i have is to teach 2 classes, both are year 9 and in a week, i only have around 13 periods~ well out of 45 periods in total, 13 periods is rather easy~ also, compared to when i did my Teaching Assistantship, i had 18 periods back then in a week~ so yeah, i'm relieved~ The only drawback from all this is that i have to teach for a whole 14 weeks and prepare the students for their mid-year exam~ and of course, i still need to deal with those Lesson Plans~ *sigh* so yeah, this will be a perfect time to get myself all busy and keep me focus on other things~ Like i said, this life is not sa bad after all~ I seriously don't know why i didn't do this sooner~ but then again, i think i know~ i know now the reason~ the only question is, can i keep it all this way?? can i just stay like this? knowing myself, the answer to that question will be 'NO'~ for i know that one day, i'll be bored of this life and just start to create troubles again, just for 'kicks'~ however, i just need to savour this life while it lasts~ this is all that i need for the moment~ a break~ maybe somewhere somehow, a new opportunity will arise from this life~ who knows?? well i don't~

I was here...

know what? I'm done. I'm through~ For what things worth, i was here. waited~ but i guess, they are all useless anyway~ i am who i am, and that never really changed for these past years i'm here~ i can see it in your eyes. i can see it in your soul~ i was never there~ for long i have deceived myself, telling myself if somehow i've waited a lil bit longer, things will be okay~ guess what? it's not and never will be~ and i would just like to thank you for all of this and honestly, you have made the best decision i've ever seen so far~ go ahead and take me out of your life~ it's okay~ it's alright~ don't mind me~ better yet, please hate me~ i can't do all those for this heart has always been here but as for you, i guess you will be able to~ destiny have a very peculiar way of playing with people's lives and i guess, i was one of those people~ this whole thing, is none any different from what i used to experience, and i had to say, i've had it a lot worse in those days~ so i guess with this I can finally stop~ I can finally stop being here. not that i was needed anyway~ so yeah, it was fun. at least i can say it was~ for me to try and challenge destiny and fate~ my own destiny and fate. Guess i didn't put up much of a fight~ hahaha~ then again, ever since this whole story unfold, i never really intend to be here~ that is what i have decided long ago~ somehow along the way, i lose sight of that and i was lost~ but not anymore~ i can finally see that this leads to nowhere for me, though for you, it might be a whole different story~

i can be many things but one thing that i can't, i can't be a really useful friend~ not the type that was expected of me~ all i can ever do is this, making up my own decisions and maybe make you hate me in the process~ but i guess, this is what's in-store for us~ honestly, i don't even know why do i have to be here~ i already have the choice tp be away and have already made that decision but somehow, i turned back~ i came back here~ only to cause more troubles and feel more pain that i wished i didn't have to~ you might have overlooked this~ you might not even notice this at all~ but it takes all that i have just to be here~ i have gone against every single principles that i ever uphold just to let my heart be here. and by changing all that i am, for you, that would not really be me, right? so thanks for everything~ for this life~ i will let my fate and destiny to decide for my future from now on~

arigato gozaimasu~ sayonara~ have a pleasant life~

Nearly there...

two more weeks~ all i gotta do is to wait for two more weeks...before i can get my hands on that Nokia 5530xm~ hahaha~ 2 weeks is not a long time, right? so yeah~ i'll just wait until then~ however, now i do have my doubts though~ should i go for the 5530xm or the 5800xm? of course the 5800xm is more expensive, by about $60 more than the price of the 5530xm~ then again, the 5800 is not exactly as new as compared to the 5530, and that the 5530 boasts faster CPU speed than the 5800..on the flip side, the 5530 design looks rather small, and have a 'cheap' feeling to it, as opposed to the 5800 or the 5230, which basically shares the same design~ well the 5530 is small, with 2.9 inch screen as compared to 3.2 inch screen of the 5800~ the 5800 features a 3.2 megapixel camera with Carl Zeiss Lens and a video recording of up to 640x480 VGA 30fps~ not to mention autofocus camera with dual LED flash~ the 5530 on the other hand, also featured a 3.2 megapixel camera, no Carl Zeiss Lens, video recording of 30fps and QVGA and 15fps QCIF, autofocus camera and a single LED flash~

the 5530 is just a standard GSM phone, no 3G and HSPDA...but it have an in-built WLAN for internet access and the 5800, well it got everything, from EDGE, 3G, HSPDA, WLAN, GPS, etc~ then again, do i need all those connectivity services? Not really, i guess~ both phone have a memory that can be expanded up to 16gB...both can come in Black/Red colours~ Both are powered by Symbian OS...did i mention that the 5530 have faster CPU clock speed than 5800? I did~ hmm, what else do i wanna compare? Guess that's is for now~ until I got the money, then i can seriously make my own comparison and choose which phone i want~ hahaha

Useless...

Everything I do, they seem useless to me. No matter how much I struggle, I guess I just can't get away with how I want things to be. whatever I tried, nothing seems to work the way I expect them to be. can somebody please tell me why? Why am I here in this situation? What? Is it because so that I can learn how painful it is to lose someone? Been there and done that~ Next~ So is it because so that I can learn that I can't get everything that I want in this life? Well, I have already embraced that fact and I know for a fact that I can't capture her heart, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I wished for it~ and yeah I managed to persuade myself not to pursue such desire~ well partially. There are times when I found myself just trying to get her attention and wishing for her, subconsciously~ eventually when I managed to get my thoughts around, I would just shove those away out of my head, preferably forever. Sadly, I can't never manage to do that~ Though I wish I can~ In actuality, I'm just stuck here. I can't go forward nor backward~ I got my reasons not to pursue her and I also got my reasons to just stay here, near her~ Theoretically, I can just leave away from her, and that would simply mean disappearing from her life. Completely disappear~ No contacts whatsover~ That's the theory. But practically, I can't do that~ or to be exact, I just don't have the heart to do that~ Even in my current situation, I'm barely able to withstand and survive. So how do you expect me to let her disappear completely from my life?? Unless I got hit in the head pretty hard and have a permanent amnesia, then there would be absolutely no way for me to be able to overcome all this~ So I just wanna pray for this~ Give me my future and I will give you my life~ I'll trade my life for my future~

Stubborn Mind...

What I feel right now, I can't exactly describe it in words. It's a mixture of feelings really, one that seemed all messed up and have no clear sense of direction. I could not even begin to grasp the underlying causes of it all coz there's just too much and too confusing. It's like I don't know what am I suppose to do and what i'm not suppose to do. On one hand, it's like I feel it's better being this way but on the other hand, I felt miserable. So which one is it?? Damn! I seriously need to come up with a cure for this~ I just need to get my mind off things, preferably, FOREVER! I know how my mind works, and I know more than any of you, how stubborn is my mind. No one can cay anything to change what my mind has set itself on, not even me. I've tried, and I've tried but my mind was just too stuborn. It won't stop until it's satisfied and seriously, I can't think of other ways to satisfy my mind. Honestly, I envy those who can get their mind swayed with just a little effort from themselves or others for they can easily persuade their mind off things that are deemed unnecessary. Unlike me, I can't do anything about it even if I tried. It is because of how I was brought up? Is it because of my own personality traits? I don't know. One thing for sure, I am stubborn. It's like everyday, I've set my goals in everything and I just feel the need to reach those goals, even useless ones like 'I need to wear that shirt tomorrow' or 'I need to get there in 5 minutes' or 'I need to complete these by 7pm'. Why do I need to set goals in everything?! I know that when I failed, which don't usually happen, I would be devastated and can't accept the fact that I've failed. Then again, my way out of that is to set realistic goals, one in which I've considered every aspects and other external factors so that they would not interfere with my calculations and thus, securing my chance of success. That's how I am. That's who I am. maybe that's why my mind has become so stubborn. Because from my point of view, I have taken into consideration every single factors and aspects that might jeopardize my success rate, and to guarantee that I can reach my goal~ and it's because of this trait that I am in such a mess right now~ Even if I want to dispute all my rationales right now, it would come to something as pretty useless right about now~ My only 'light' for this moment is my future. I can just hope that it will be alright in my future. Certainly it won't be trouble-free, considering of who I am and how I am, but hopefuly someday somehow, it will all be alright~

Trade Off...

I suppose I can live like this~ Like how it is now~ Just being with myself~ Letting go of everything. All my care. All my worries. I've had enough of dealing with things. Not that I can deal with them anyway. So why do I bother? Guess I'll be better off this way. Just back off and try not to involve any further with things. Let it be how it is. Maybe I can survive this way. This life. I know how I want my life to be~ I know how to get it done. All I want is my life to be complete. That's it. Nothing more. Then again, the trade off is that I have to sacrifice my life so that I can survive. Sounds ironic. But that's just how I see it. Sometimes it seems to me that my life is of little importance to myself. And that is evident for I usually bet on my life based on the decisions I made. I never want my life to stay as it was. Whenever I feel necessary, I would just make one big decision and let my life decides on itself from then onwards. It's like having a 'reset' button that I can just push whenever I deemed fit. Though it's not a complete reset, but nevertheless, it's like a reset anyway. Resetting all my life and all that I had. Why? Simply because I just wanna change. Somehow it gives me the thrill of playing with my own life. Maybe someday, somehow I'll stop doing all this. When my life have become complete. The big question is, will my life ever be complete? Will I live to see the end of my life, of what I'll become? Not really sure on that one. Maybe, just maybe, it was never in my destiny to have a complete life. Then that would really explain everything~

One More Life...

For now, i wished that i would have just one more life. One more life to make things worthwhile. One more life for which I won't be able to screw that life anymore. One more life for me. Just for me. The life that I lead so far, have been anything short of an on-going difficult endeavour. I tried, and i kept trying, only to find that I'm running on empty at the end. I tried in anyway possible to see the bright sight of things, but I guess it's in my own nature to just simply not wanting to see that bright side. For I, for one, just want the THINGS, not the bright side of it. It may have well be dark, unpolished side of things but fact is, I just want the thing. However, most of the things in life just does not obey to my needs, to what i want, to what i desire. And that is a fact that I have come to accept and internalized a long time ago. This time around, the roles have changed but the story is still the same. My life, my choices, my actions. Actually I'm tired to keep up with all of this~ Really tired. That is why I wished for just one more life, where hopefully everything will be alright. Turn over a new page. Turn over a new leaf. This is what i desire. This is what i intend to do. No, I'm not changing how i am. I'm just gonna try to change my WHOLE life and see how I can fit in that life. As for my current life? I'll just discard everything~ Let me just say this. The next time you see me, that's probably just one of my masks that I kept on in trying to just suit the situation~ Just for the sake of the situation~ Not for you~ Aytz~